Fear of Self

Feeling very emotional and overwhelmed. Some decisions have to be made, I’m sitting in pain with my big toe- dam pain killers arn’t doing what they should do. And fear has found a way in. The what if’s come sailing through the door and a feeling of lost when I’m not lost, and so many wonderful things are happening for me right now. Wanting To curl up into the fetal position and have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s alright and that want to be held. Trying to hold steady and ground myself when everything is moving so fast. I want a magic wand that goes flick and everything is fine and in place, lol one can only imagine. Where other people’s projections sit before me and all I’m hearing is what about this person. Well what about me, and what about my life and my vision and where my path is taking me. What is important to me and that is me. For years I have put myself last and now I’m putting myself first. I feel like the challenge is here for me, not to go backwards. So I took a positive step today, and started putting out there what I need to find for myself then I smudge myself as I found my first client had heavy energy that weighed me down. Then I get a text message saying “shame, shame, shame” from a man who cracked onto me and has a lady, who I said no to, and On Sunday I chosed to ignore and not acknowledge him, while his lady was looking at my stall, he stayed out of my eyesight. What is floating around in the Universe right now, I feel the energy to scream, so hit the delete button, as fuck answering that. Not even worth wasting my breathe nor finger power. And why do people feel they have the right to do this. Why can success and good things, be so scary, and fear and what ifs turn up, shadow has come to play and I’m getting shown more of myself I have to face. The Steph of old would have run a mile but now I have to dig deep, and hold on to my truth within. And face the old stuff that had risen. What planets are in retro, I’m not sure, but man this energy is a pushy one, a deep need to cry my own waiata today. I also feel a sadness for a friend back home today, who says goodbye to her soulmate, partner and husband. We need to realise how lucky we are and that life is short. So we must not be afraid to go after what we want. Maybe that’s my lesson right now, life is short, we sit in to much fear and what if’s, that we miss opportunities that are before us, or we push things or people away because we are afraid of hurt or the new. That it is fine to be a strong woman, but it is fine to break and show weakness, it’s fine to cry. So I think I’ll go to the beach after work and clear myself and sing my waiata to my soul. Today I just offer my ramblings that needed to be aired. I don’t know the right answers as right now I’m trying to just figure out me within me. Deepest love to all, that if you feel like my ramblings it is ok Arohanui 

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