Vulnerability of the Darkness

You live your life, you go in shadows You'll come apart and you'll go black Some kind of night into your darkness.

Life has been intense recently, like the lyrics of Mazzy Star’s song, as I delve into the shadows, looking at the darkness, that has taking to turning up in my dream state, even when my body is waving in pain and unwellness, calling me to rest. Even then, I know I am only in a light sleep, but I enter my dream state, not being able to pull from it. That the walls I thought I had brought down, some were still in place, that on such a level deep within, I was not seeing them.

All parts of me are asking to let go, feel, and understand myself, on levels I have never thought to embrace. This is where I meet me and meet old fella Curlew, death caller, storm bringer, he asks you to call in death, embrace it and allow the storm to wash you clean. The storm of tears that came today, in a zoom meeting with a beautiful brother, even as he started to talk, I could feel the tears welling. Then he asked the questions of why I wanted mentorship, and the wall broke, and the tears flowed. He knew what to ask, the deepness I’ve where I held it, everything flowed to the surface. Madre was there, smiling and I knew why I had put my hand up for mentorship from this Brother. Why for the first time in my life, I gifted this commitment to myself, why I was honouring me.

Surgery that is looming, and today I am hoping was my last scan, before surgery is set. But today I realised as I was talking to my Brother, we all wear a mask at times, because we do not want people to see the turmoil that is really happening, that you are not the strongest person they know, that sometimes even with the strongest support crew, that a girl could ask for, you feel totally alone, small, and so vulnerable. And it is alright to feel this, there is nothing to be ashamed of. That wearing a mask holds us together, for those moments that you need to hold it together. Then I stopped, with a deep realisation about my mum, realising she is the one I ring, when I am crying in pain and feeling deeply unwell, and how powerless she is feeling because we are in different countries, and she cannot just get on a plane and come to me, because Covid is a wall that is preventing many to be there for loved ones, who are going through stuff. She is worried, she is a nurse, and she is more aware of the pitfalls of my surgery. Today my heart went out to her, and so grateful she is one of my rocks. As I am grateful to my support crew, I am an incredibly lucky girl.

Between realisations, I saw me, that shadow that had been hiding. Lurking and the reasons why my confidence in me had wavered. Why I could conquer aspects of myself but not other parts of me.

There are realisations that have been coming for a while, gossip does not interest me, especially if its tearing or putting someone down, I walk away from this. Integrity is everything, be honourable, do not lie (lies only build mistrust, and if that person is in-tuned they know your lying), be honest and do not make promises you cannot keep, be real, its alright to say no and its fine to put ourselves first above others. Stay in heart even when there is a storm blowing all around you. Hate is a wasted emotion; it takes to much energy to hate.

I have surrendered to my surgery. I feel this is a time to rebirth, that my 7-month pregnancy is about to birth itself and I will stand before myself, naked in self. For me it will be part of New Beginnings, as is doing this mentorship. So, I can be better at being in service to others, to help them rise.

We are living in interesting times, the future is not written, its waiting for you to fulfill it. The Universe is listening deeply, and we are our own creators. Go create what you truly deserve because you are so worth it.

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