So it’s Christmas

The last few days have truly been a struggle. This is not my favourite time of the year, to be honest, Christmas means nothing to me, but it stinks of loneliness and sadness, and yes, this sadness is my own. And if I had one wish I’d be home in New Zealand with my daughter and Grandchildren. I’m home sick. But I have a bad habit of putting work first before things that make my heart sing. This time of year brings me into deep valuation of my life, I look at the year gone by, get the big stick out and beat myself stupid. My nervous system is shot, the Alien within is giving me a run for my money, I’m crying as I write this, I’m exhausted and trying to find enthusiasm for the festivals, I’m about to dive headfirst into. My creativity is shot, my last bit went into a custom order this morning. And a deep loneliness rises, I want to pull away from people, my trust is gone with allot of people and in some ways trust within myself. I allow my heart to get beaten up, I’m a saddest for pain, and know some deep healing, will be coming. Because I’m the Phoenix. I have rebirthed myself from flames, many times and there’s another rebirthing looming. I have worked my arse off this year, taken no breaks, nor holidays, given more of myself to others than given back to myself. This hard work is to work towards my goals, dreams and where I want to be next year, places I want to visit and that bigger self-love for myself. And today I will give offerings to Mother and burn my stick and give her children back to her. I will find solace in ritual and connection. I have no regrets. Next year marks huge change, with new job, a shift and before I even jump into next year, evaluation of friendships. Trust is huge for me, and lately my trust is gone. I’m not the girl who needs to be liked or loved by everyone, nor be everyone’s friend. My inner circle is small, and in fact hermit, suits me. They say the life of a Medicine Woman, is the art of time to self, as we need more time to ourselves. That at times being around people is to much. And I love my own company. My tool making needs solace, as I’m never alone, the animals all turn up to talk to me, they all have a message for me. And prepping for festivals, means the whipping from the Animal medicines, has not been gentle, finishing this morning with Owl, Snake, Jaguar & Crow, nothing like a slap to start the day and a text from my Mum, who can make me cry just with I love you. Powerful words that often we forget to tell ourselves, we tell others but often forget ourselves. I’m tired of hidden agendas and lack of balls with humans. It seems this rise in love and vibration is never easy, but transparency would be nice. I’ve been told I’m intimidating, maybe true, but I respect honesty more than anything. Am I going to trust you first time I meet you, No…. trust is earnt, and that may take a while. Mana is how you walk your talk, that is what I watch for. And can’t stand when people pull the passive aggressive bullshit, instead of being honest and looking within. Takes 2 to create friction, it’s never singular. My heart is huge, but I am getting more guarded. I work with cancer clients, this has risen as the year is drawing to a close, and my step father is ill in hospital right now, he has a form of lymphoma, but got pneumonia, and a Uncle has been diagnosed with bowel cancer, so I feel for my family right now as Christmas needs to be about a celebration of life, and positiveness. Don’t get me wrong, I sit in deep gratitude for all in my life and the Universe showing me, I am supplied for, that I’m on the right path, doing the right things, even the beating of my heart, tells me I am grateful for life and all that comes to me. And in my culture Whanau is not always related, so I am grateful to Whanau, because they have kept me going this year. Its funny the Healer is here to help people, more often than not the healer is working through her own stuff, to be a better healer for others and in service. Have I got it right, no. But I get up every day and put one foot in front of another and put my best face on and do my best. Today I just need to be me, the good, the bad and the ugly. Be gentle with yourselves, burn your sticks, love yourself and enjoy time with friends and family this silly season. As I see myself, I see you