I am enough
I have been sitting, in deep thought with my future. But I think the biggest thing that has hit home in the last few days, is a fear around workshops, something I didn’t have back in WA, I held womb nights, taught crystal healing & Indian head, held day retreats. Had no fear at all. So, I have been sitting with this fear, that has arrived within, since moving back to the east. Yes, I have run workshops, but not like I did in WA, and I know there is a reluctance within. In the words of a beautiful reader “Steph get out of the way of self”. This reluctance has been brought more forward, with my job coming to an end, doors have opened before me, so work is not at issue, but it’s the trust within myself, to earn my income. Also looking at fairs, and relying on them for income, not always going to pay the way, and yes that is the way of fairs. It has also shown me, that within fairs you meet family, but not everyone is family nor will they hold my trust. The watcher in me, watches deeply, watches energy, watches actions, watches hidden agendas. It has also brought me to the feeling of whanau-family. Something I thought I needed deeply, a place I needed to feel accepted and wanted. But I am enough, yes, my whanau has been gathering around me, the last couple of years, my close buds have been turning up, and lately I have realised whanau is there. I am grateful that I love my own company, and are independent, so I don’t need people in my face 24/7. I need me time. I think this wanting to be accepted, started my fear. Nothing more destructive than emotions or needs the don’t truly value you. The crutch of holding onto something that doesn’t serve-like my job. Its been something I needed at the time, but my time has come to an end. Its funny how we make crutches for ourselves. Also the need of approval from people to step forward on our paths, Approval not needed. Just my approval. Pie’s passing has hit home in so many ways, has brought deep sadness, but it has also brought awareness so deep, its has shaken me up in the last couple of days, tears coming so easily, over the simplest of things, his teaching to go after what I truly want in my life, what I truly want to do, and to sing my own waiata, that true owning of every part of me, and launching myself to fly. Even the book I have started, needs chapters written, the looking at my past-the bikies and realising- yes , there were so much fun, and I don’t have any regrets, but I have been sitting with the crap that happened to woman, which wasn’t right, how many woman were scarred for life, also the awareness that isn’t there, and old energy that will never change, and that its alright to close the door on some people. Sometimes the past just doesn’t serve us. It feels like I’m wading around the fears, in my awareness, and seeing them, in their true colours, and realising, I’m enough to do this work. I’ve got this. That support for self, starts firstly with you, then expands. I’m not a child who needs nursing. I am strong, beautiful woman, and fuck me, hear me roar. I do not suffer fools lightly, and I call a spade a spade. So, if you want to shovel shit, go for it, but don’t expect me to aid you. I’ve spent enough time shovelling my own shit. Its time to rise, all of us. There is no competition, we all have something to bring to the ballpark, we all attract those, who are drawn to our energy. We are each our own light. Hear Pie’s medicine-chase your dreams, your desires, your wants. Sing your song true to you. Awaken to yourself and see your beauty, and go forth, and create your light.